April was gonna be lock in month and then it wasn't at all.
In this long suffering game of me having a perpetual breakdown for the first 5 months of this year so far, I truly do see a trend upwards. I might clean my room today. I am letting myself be angry about things even if logically you can talk yourself out of almost all anger. I am letting myself be illogical. To be real my family is exploding into a dramatic fireball, I was broken up with in January which changed many other people's relationships to me, I got denied for a bunch of gigs and oppurtunities over the last few months, I planned and co lead a 9 day long tour that was really difficult at points . My ability to think clearly and write quality has been affected by all this and I have been writing, though I've had a hard time doing good melodies recently? Don't know why that is, however I am getting lots of good couplets so when I can come up with good melodies again I will have somewhere to put them.
UNN record is shaping up to be done in May with a June release. One song featuring the voice of Devi Mcallion.
Jewish American Prairie Princess
Living Beyond My Taste For It
Emissions Test
Ramble Song
Now forever
A lover is a church a song is a church a show is a church a cup of coffee is a church a church is a church a diner is a church a movie theater is a church a chorus is a church a moshpit is a church a subway car is a church a wife is a church a phone call is a church a walk is a church a bar is a church a church is the wind and the rain, a church is a garden all wet with rain, a church is an old person you see once a week,
I pray to you, I pray to God, I pray to the land, I pray to myself, I pray to the trains, I pray to the weather, I pray to the odds, I pray to the memory, I pray to reflections, I pray to entropy, I pray to love, I pray to moments, I pray to sensation, I pray to the sounds, I pray to the throws, I pray to sleep, I pray to his voice, I pray to forgiveness, I pray to Jesus christ who died on the cross, I pray to a past life, I pray to the popcorn ceiling, I pray to cum stained comforters, I pray to cancer, I pray to luck, I pray to giving, I pray to rebirth, I pray to home on high,
I pray for forgiveness, I pray for removal, I pray for installation, I pray for words to write, I pray to be loved, I pray to be beloved, I pray for a mother, I pray for my mother to return, I pray for death, I pray for life, I pray to change, I pray for strength, I pray for change, I pray to be what they need me to be, I pray to not hurt them anymore, I pray for my heating to turn back on, I pray to feel everything, I pray for my hot water to turn back on, I pray to not see any more cockroaches like that one I saw in the sink I pray for the food to not have gone bad, I pray for comfort, I pray for noone to find out, I pray for myself, I pray for her
I do not love you and the sky keeps shedding water down down down filling gutters and the holes in my shoes and socks and it fills my scalp and it fills the subway and it fills the sound and it fills the runways and it crashes our planes and markets and it doesn't wash away anything it just pools all the filth up to our thighs just tapping our ballsacks, growing them prunier and prunier by the minute
I do not love you and the train keeps going right by the living room window as it has done for the last 150 years rattling rattling rattling the building and the tracks and it rattles my chest and it rattles the fire escape and it rattles the deli cat mid stretch/yawn and it rattles all the oil pastel drawings I made on the walls and it rattles all the plastic deli bags from 150 breakfasts (One for each Year) and it rattles the conversation until it stills itself again like a top falling over, and it rattles the memories till they unstick themselves from their walls and fall into your lap, and it rattles me to tears, and it rattles me to laughter
I do not love you and we can hear my roommates talking through the walls walls walls talking about their coworkers talking about jobs they are applying for talking about their shared tik tok account talking about memory and talking about food and talking about eccentric things to do with the furniture and talking about alcohol and talking about weed and talking about the most exciting thing ever and talking about the landlord and the girls from Ohio we all hate cause they call the cops on us and they are talking about their bands and they are talking about the worst person they know and they are talking about love and they are talking about God and they are praying to him loud loud loud until it sounds like they are in the room themselves praying over the sound of the rain praying over the sound of the trains rattle praying over the sound of inherent tragedy, praying over the sound of original sin, praying over the sound of your sight until
“You heard the sound of words but saw no form; there was only a voice.” From heaven he made you hear his voice to discipline you. On earth he showed you his great fire, and you heard his words from out of the fire.
“what mortal has ever heard the voice of the living God speaking out of fire, as we have, and survived?”
I do not love you and I don't know why and I don't know how to play guitar like her and I don't know how to sing like him and I don't know what I did wrong and I don't know how to get over it and I don't know if I am going to get normal about what happened anytime soon and I don't know if that's gonna make her leave me again and I don't know if you leave who I will have left and I don't know why it is always like this and I don't know if I am gonna cut myself again and I don't know how to get fentanyl and I don't know why I can't kiss you anymore I don't know why I am mean sometimes I don't know what would make this better, I mostly am looking for ways to make it just stop.
The is heaven in the corners of moments Listen! Checking me in to the endless chance of positive outcome I sleep on floors cross the dream of America stitch the reality to the inside of your pockets so you can dip your fingers into It whenever you want, People say one thing and mean another, I know when I am not a priority
walk down the entirety of the coastline list in careful notes the changing textures of the sand under your bare feet and once you get to Argentina Turn back and this time count how many shells you see
Maybe then I will curl your eyelashes again maybe then I will break your ribs forever tell me the sound of one hand clapping ill be snapping all the bones wrapped around your finger
in our land of almond and agave in our brick and mortar location atop mount sinai I saw the moderator laying down the tablets and filling in the craters
You are a heavy metal font dripping with blood red leather socks hair dying in the tub
hard rock cafe gift card to john varvatos coffeehouse mural Cobain Restored footage of tomatoes
jackets studded sharp sharp studded belts diet of mostly starch every card that's dealt
every corpse thats painted every saint that's sainted every train thats running and every gun that's gunning
Save all movements to the world save yourself in a battlefield of confluence
I kill my self everyday I Walk down the street in a defined measure Who are you to deny me I should push you down the stairs